


our gentle sin

by laehys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Author Is Not Religious, Catholic Imagery, Catholic School, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Religious Imagery & Symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27647876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laehys/pseuds/laehys
Summary: “Renjun,” Donghyuck calls out from his side, his voice nothing more than a sharp whisper. “You’re staring.”He doesn’t think he is. He doesn’t think he’ll ever have enough of looking at them, but he still turns his gaze away for a moment, focusing on the songs long ago memorized that are printed on the crumpled pamphlet in his hands.They sing. They pray. They kneel. Renjun just can’t look away from them both.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 113
Collections: NRMFF2020





	our gentle sin

**Author's Note:**

> for the prompt #32 in the norenmin fic fest!
> 
> thank you everyone and the mod for all your hard work, too <3
> 
> **warning** : there's internalized homophobia and very inaccurate catholic themes. they're adults here and aren't underage. just a reminder.

> Moonlight making crosses  
>  on your body, and me putting my mouth on every one.  
>  _(R. Siken)_

* * *

“Are you going out again, tonight?” Donghyuck asks, arching one eyebrow.

Renjun only hums, not answering verbally as he closes his laptop after glancing at the clock on the right bottom corner, getting up from the little desk tucked into the corner of the room.

Donghyuck continues looking down at him from his place on the top bunk bed, the book he was reading laying open over his chest. “It’s the third night in a row,” he says, carefully. He isn’t pushing anything, but there’s a hint of curiosity there. “You’ll end up getting in trouble if you continue like this. You’ll get caught.”

“I won’t,” Renjun answers easily, finishing cleaning up his desk, and sending a mischievous smile towards his roommate. “You know I won’t.”

He won’t get caught because he’s careful enough to look around the corners, he’s careful enough to walk around the entire school until he deems it’s safe enough. If he knows where everyone is, then he can’t get caught by surprise.

So he makes sure to do just that. He checks around the corners, checks the Professor's lounge (away enough to not get caught but, still, thoroughly), checks the Prefect's favorites places to rest (and confirms his list about who’s in hall monitor duty).

Maybe it's a bit overboard. Maybe it's getting close to something akin to obsession. But Renjun needs to be sure, he needs to be certain they won't have a chance of being caught.

It's the least he could do.

The empty, dark hallways always feel too cold when he's walking alone through them. There are a few lights lit to help guide him in not falling down on a staircase and to make sure he's walking on the right path. But, at that point, Renjun feels like he could navigate through the place with his eyes closed.

As soon as he hears the hushed whispers, the little shushing noises that come right after the sound of steps hurrying, his heart feels like it's blooming inside his chest, warmth spreading across his entire ribcage, coating his inside in something soft, in something light.

Recognition comes easily to him — he knows their ways, he knows their voices.

So he walks down the staircases, almost jumping two steps at a time, feeling his heart beating fast. He'd like nothing more than to dash into their arms and to cling to them, but he knows how something like this would be dangerous — if he makes any mistake, any sound too loud, they could be discovered and everything could be jeopardized.

Therefore, Renjun makes sure to be quiet; quiet but determined in what he's doing. He's as fast as he can while still being careful of his every step, every move.

When he finishes descending the marble staircase, the main hall lays right in front of him, its doors closed at that hour of the night. But he isn’t heading towards there. Not right now.

In a small passage next to an unused room, a few meters away from the main hall, there's a big tapestry on the wall that depicts a biblical scene. Renjun barely pays that any attention. It’s something imposing and eye-catching, but he doesn’t give two shits about an old, big carpet that he sees every day.

He carefully looks to both sides before lifting the bottom right end of the tapestry and slipping into the opening behind it. It's a dusty, narrow place, long forgotten by the people inside the school. Inside it, there are two other people.

Renjun barely has time to let go of the end of the big tapestry, letting it hang on its original place behind his back, before he's bathed in pure darkness and feel a pair of arms encircling him tightly.

"Jaem?" He guesses, whispering as quietly as he can. The sudden strength of the embrace tells him he's right in his guess.

"Injunnie." It's barely murmured close to his ear, something so low that it makes the chest in front of him vibrate, letting Renjun feel the sensation through his own body. "You're finally here."

"I was checking around. Making sure everything was okay. It was."

Jeno doesn't say anything, but Renjun can taste his gratitude from miles away. He doesn’t need to — his sigh of relief already says enough.

Hidden behind only a tapestry of dyed wool, he can never be too careful. It's a thick piece, but still — the doubt and apprehension hang thickly into the air, involving them all in a cloud of worry they can never truly run away from.

Jaemin's arms leave him and he takes a step back. Renjun blinks quickly, trying to adapt to the darkness, but from the moment the tapestry went back to its place, it was like a dark, thick veil had been draped in front of his eyes and no light could reach him.

Almost as if reading his mind, a little point of light appears in the darkness. Renjun can finally see the flashlight of a cellphone shining on the rock walls around them before it's carefully placed on the floor, illuminating a little bit of the space they're inside of.

Jeno barely moves before Renjun is over him in a blink of an eye, passing one arm behind his neck and resting the other one upon the boy's cheek, thumb caressing over his cheekbone. "I made sure to check it all out," Renjun whispers, walking even closer to Jeno and pressing the front of their bodies together. “Don’t worry, okay? Everything will be fine. I looked around.”

"Everywhere?" Jeno asks, more an exhale of breath than truly a whisper. Something so small, so weak, that makes Renjun feel a sharp pain in his sides.

"Everywhere," Renjun repeats, even nodding his head to make his point go across.

"Okay." Jeno's voice is just as weak as it was before, but he licks his lips and Renjun quickly kisses him once, swiping his tongue over the boy's bottom lip.

"Really okay?" He asks, his lips brushing against Jeno's, feeling how tense the boy's shoulders in front of him were.

Jeno nods instead of replying, crossing the small distance that separates them.

In some small place inside his mind, somewhere where his thoughts aren't filled only with things about Jeno, about Jeno's taste, about how he feels under the palms of his hands, Renjun registers movement behind him, a pair of hands sneaking around his waist. And that—just that, knowing that Jaemin was watching them, enjoying it, makes Renjun lick more viciously inside Jeno's mouth, wanting to please them both at the same time.

Jeno kisses him like it's the last time they'll do it. He always does it like that besides some random, small stolen moments in between soft sheets and under warm sunshine. Jeno kisses like it's his last time because he's afraid they'll have one last moment. Something that will make it all end.

When he draws back to inhale sharply, to fill his lungs with some much-needed oxygen, Jaemin wastes no time in turning Renjun around and getting his share, making them move until Renjun feels the cold rock behind his back and he's at Jaemin's mercy — feeling himself slowly be taken apart by his lips and his wandering hands.

He's a contrast from Jeno. Instead of frenzied, full of wanting, Jaemin kisses him they have all the time of the world, like they're the only two people there and there's nothing more else to do than chase a taste inside his mouth, to chase that feeling that runs through his body and lits his insides on fire, making his mind all dizzy and light-headed.

Renjun is left breathless, chest heaving, when Jaemin walks away from him. The low lighting makes it hard to see it clearly, but it's enough for Renjun to be able to see the way Jaemin tilts Jeno's head back when he's the one being pressed against the wall, the way Jeno's fingers tremble so much while he tries to grasp Jaemin's shoulders, pressing back just as hard.

Renjun feels like his breathing is too loud and, yet, there's nothing he can do about it.

They kiss until their backs get imprinted with the form of the rocks on the wall, until their lips are left tingling hard and swollen, until they're so close together, clinging tightly to each other, that's is hard to tell where one begins and where one ends.

* * *

Holiness for him was tasting Jeno upon Jaemin's tongue. Holiness for him was brushing his hands across a body and feeling the marks left by another, the bruises from a night carefully protected inside his memory, safely guarded inside his heart. Holiness for him was a known warm body against his own.

It's a prayer whispered against his neck — familiar lips echoing something different, but that is muffled against his skin and leaves behind a hot trail of kisses being imprinted on every inch of skin that is exposed, every inch that can be reached.

It’s a kind of worshipping that doesn't make him feel sick for praying to something or someone he doesn't believe in.

This one is something personal. This one is something he wants to do.

He doesn't need to kneel to worship, but he has the choice to do that if he wants to. He kisses their salty, warm skin and it feels like a blessing to be able to feel them upon his tongue, to be able to touch them with his hands and not be covered by a blanket of fear and wrongness.

There's nothing wrong with the way he kisses them and Renjun doesn't allow himself to waste any time thinking about it.

When a hand cradles his head and tilts it back, exposing his neck to a pair of lips that suck at the exposed skin, Renjun thinks that, maybe, that's what heaven feels like. Maybe that's what it's supposed to be — to get lost in the warmth of someone, to be get lost inside your head just with the sensations brought to the surface because of another, to cling as tightly as you can to the body in front of yours as you can only gasp and gasp, breaths suddenly quite not making as they used to before.

Maybe heaven is a place on Earth with them. And just the idea of that feels good enough to Renjun.

* * *

There were weekly mass readings that were done with each class in the school's church — but it was the monthly ones that Renjun looked forward to.

It wasn't because of the subject of the reading or even the aspect of attending it, but only because it meant that the entire school was stuck together inside the church.

If it had been left up only for Renjun to decide on what to do, he'd accept without any hesitation the choice of not joining them into the church. The non-catholic students were allowed to stay out of the mass readings if they wanted to, where they’d be taken to an empty classroom, and end up being supervised by a teacher while they had to do some homework. And though it was something allowed, it was generally not very well seen.

Renjun didn't give a shit about that. He didn't care how he looked like — he was very open about being an atheist and simply not paying attention when the Priest was standing on the stage and talking. And yet, he wouldn't skip a monthly gathering.

A monthly gathering meant all the students together. A monthly gathering meant he could look at Jaemin and Jeno without being afraid of being caught.

With so many people together, it was impossible to see who he was looking at, what had grabbed his attention. Everyone around him was too busy praying and focused on the preaching figure walking around in the front of the room.

Renjun wouldn't give up an opportunity like this.

He looks to his right and he can see Jaemin ahead of him, staring up at the altar with eyes big and a small smile on his face as the people sang another song. He doesn't join the singing right away, mouthing only some of the words from the chorus, but he looks soft and in place. Like he belongs there.

When Renjun looks a little more to the front, he can see Jeno a little farther ahead of Jaemin. It's a pity because he can't see much of him from where he is, but there's no mistake in how Renjun can see Jeno saying all the words at the right time, how his eyes don't waver away from the figure of the Priest.

Jaemin looks back at some point.

He looks because he knows that Renjun will be watching them instead of paying attention to what's happening at the front of the room. They exchange glances and Renjun swallows, feeling his throat getting parched by the glint in Jaemin's eyes, the way his hair curls just over his eyebrows. There were too many adjectives to be used on someone like Jaemin, too many pretty words to be said with a soft voice and all at once.

Renjun doesn't think that Jeno will try to look for them. Sometimes he does — but more than that he doesn't. He's too focused and too centered on everything that’s happening. It's his private moment, his repentance, as he liked to say. But, still, sometimes he'd look over his shoulder and catch their gaze quickly, and Renjun would feel something hot and addictive burning up on the end of his spine, spreading out through his entire body.

Jeno mostly doesn't look, but when he does Renjun, feels like he's being validated on something. He doesn't know yet what it is, maybe he doesn't want to know, but it brands him on the chest. On his heart.

The readings are entirely too boring for him and Renjun knows it'd be more productive to stay behind, to be in that old classroom that smells of dust and disuse than in a place he doesn't believe in, but the small moments he can look at Jeno and Jaemin, the small moments where he can be unafraid are worth it.

“ _Renjun_ ,” Donghyuck calls out from his side, his voice nothing more than a sharp whisper. “ _You’re staring._ ”

He doesn’t think he is. He doesn’t think he’ll ever have enough of looking at them, but he still turns his gaze away for a moment and focus on the songs long ago memorized that are printed on the crumpled pamphlet in his hands.

They sing. They pray. They kneel. Renjun just can’t look away from them both.

* * *

"It's going to be fun," Jaemin says, in that conspiracy voice of his that promises trouble.

Renjun doesn't doubt that. He can't remember a moment where, together with Jaemin and Jeno, he hadn't some kind of fun. He found joy just in being by their side in silence.

They go with Jaemin’s idea because that's what they always do — one says something and the others follow. Even if the idea wasn't that smart. Or something like that.

Slipping out of his room is easy enough. Renjun is used to that. Even if Donghyuck throws him another look before he closes the door, a whispered " _Be careful_ " that he acknowledges with a nod of his head before the door clicks closed, the dark wood staring back at him, Renjun doesn’t hesitate.

The walk through the barely-illuminated hallways is also something he's used to. Renjun doesn't stumble into anyone, being careful to avoid the more used-routes.

But he isn't going to their usual place today. It's something more daring, bolder.

He walks through the cold hallways, climbing up the old and creaky steps that lead into the old classrooms that haven’t been used for decades. That isn't the place he's going for, too. The stairs and more known ways into the roof are closed and very secured. Any proper school would be careful with letting students being allowed to roam inside the place and have access to its dangerous areas.

So they have to adapt. Using old classrooms filled only with dust and little animals that scurry away at the first sight of his phone's flashlight, Renjun climbs up until he gets into a room that once had been filled with life — now it was nothing more than bare and dusty. Renjun is only interested in the balcony on the side of the room that leads to the roof, a small stairwell built on the rock surface of the wall.

It's not the most practical thing to do — climbing a rocky stairwell, feeling the cold winter air against his body —, but Renjun manages to. The stars and the big, bright moon shines down upon him as if guiding his actions and helping him.

When he finally stands up on the school's roof, only Jeno is there. Packed inside his big and fluffy purple jacket, face illuminated by the bright light that emanates from his phone screen.

"Jen?" Renjun asks, walking closer to the boy.

Jeno didn't seem to have heard him for he startles when he hears Renjun's voice sounding close to him.

"Oh—" Jeno wheezes out, almost dropping his phone on the floor. "Renjunnie," he says, voice full of warmth.

"Jaemin isn't here yet?"

"Nah," Jeno says, shaking his head. "Who'd have thought the birthday boy would arrive late for his own party, huh?"

Renjun chuckles. He walks close to Jeno and pulls him into a hug, feeling the soft fur of Jeno's jacket against his face, snuggling the side of his face against it, and sinking a little more into the warmth that radiated out of him.

"You're very warm," Renjun says.

"Thanks. It's the jacket."

They share a brief laugh and Renjun shakes his head a little while still grinning, face pressed against Jeno's shoulder, just allowing himself to close his eyes and feel the strong arms evolving his frame, the warm breath of Jeno on the side of his neck.

"But really," Renjun says after a while, his voice sounding slightly muffled. "You're very warm... I could just fall asleep here, I think."

"Don't end up sleeping before Jaemin arrives."

"If he takes too long I just might."

Jeno lefts a small laugh out, but the way he slightly shifts his positions and leans back against the wall, his feet apart and securing him into a more stable position, makes Renjun think he might just be getting ready to hold him if he really ended up falling asleep right there in his arms.

He ends up staying in Jeno's arms until his body starts to go lax and he completely relaxed in Jeno's embrace. It feels warm and that feeling is something familiar to him — Renjun knows their bodies, their scents, the curves of their bodies and how they feel against his own very well. It's all ingrained deep inside his mind.

Jeno's hold is strong and firm but gentle, as if he's dealing with something careful, something precious — and that embodies exactly who he is. Someone reliable who tried to provide as much as he could, trying to take care of those around him while not expecting anything in return.

Renjun lets himself be held and he tries to give back to Jeno in the form of his affection, by drawing random shapes with the tips of his cold fingers against Jeno's hip underneath his shirt, underneath all the layers he was wearing; by the way he peppered little kisses on the skin of Jeno's neck and rubbed his face against his soft jacket, clinging tightly back to him.

They stay like that for a while, Renjun just allowing himself to feel and to be held, changing from leaning back against the wall to swaying together lightly to lean against the wall once more, this time Jeno clinging to him and hiding his face on the inside of Renjun's jacket, their giggles echoing through the dark night and getting lost among the whisper of the wind, the stars and the moon being their only witnesses.

Renjun runs a hand through Jeno's hair, messing it all up in the way it wasn't allowed to be during the school day. He likes it better like that. The carefree style, the uncontrolled mess, suits Jeno a lot more than his combed-back look. Jeno lifts his head a little, eyes sparkling, and catches Renjun by surprise with a small peck, their lips barely brushing together before he was leaning back.

"Hi," Renjun breathes out, a small, airy chuckle escaping him.

Jeno hums a little, cheeks flushing a bit while his teeth grazed his bottom lip, but he opened a shy smile, his eyes crinkling at the corner while he stares at Renjun with a flaming look on them. "Hi," he replies, bringing their foreheads together.

Renjun swallows, holding Jeno tighter against himself.

Somehow it feels different now. Like it has a weight it wasn't previously there. He doesn't know from where it came from, what it means yet, but Renjun can feel it in the way Jeno looks at him and doesn't avoid his eyes. He looks like he wants to know something, like he searches for an answer Renjun has in his possession. Renjun doesn't know what it is, but he'd give Jeno anything that he asked for.

With another small kiss, the moment is broken and Renjun allows himself to get lost in the sensations that Jeno makes grow inside of him. It's easy to be distracted, it's so easy to let his guard down and just feel the weight of Jeno's hand over his jacket, to chase the fiery trails that his lips leave upon his skin.

Still, a small part of Renjun is always on the edge, always waiting for something to happen, someone to appear from out of thin air, and when he hears the sound of a heavy breath that didn't belong to either him or Jeno, Renjun is quick to react and shove Jeno away, trying to hide him away from the sight of the stranger who had arrived.

With his heart beating fast against his ribcage, Renjun feels his throat parched, hands trembling slightly when he turns around, only to be graced by the sight of a disheveled looking Jaemin in his pajamas and holding a reusable bag as he tries to regain his breath.

"Damn!" Jaemin exclaims loudly. "I thought I'd never been able to find an opening to sneak away!"

Renjun musters a small smile, a "Hey, Jaem," before he's looking back and searching for Jeno, offering an apologetic " _Sorry_ " when he catches the boy's eyes, his fingers caressing the knuckles of Jeno's hands before he walks past him.

But Jeno only shakes his head, muttering an " _It's okay_ " and goes to greet Jaemin, to help him with whatever he had brought in his bag. Renjun can see clearly the tension that had been cast away returning to Jeno's shoulders, the way his posture is straighter, less relaxed.

Jaemin had brought with him a bottle of alcohol smuggled inside by some guy who'd sell them overpriced. Renjun would complain about that if it wasn't because of the occasion, so he helps them settle everything upon a blanket on the floor, sitting together and bumping their knees as they tried to make a toast, spilling a little of the drink over themselves in the process.

Jaemin laughs out loud the entire time, throwing his head back as he sips on his plastic cup, his cheeks flushed by the cold instead of the alcohol, trying to be as warm as possible with one of the blankets Jeno had brought with him, his pajamas making a poor job of concealing the cold away. They stay together, in that little formation, for a while — only talking about nothing in particular, sharing the moment together.

"Your first drink as an adult," Jeno says, somewhere between them finishing half of the bottle. "How do you feel now?"

"Just like I used to when I was still underage," Jaemin replies easily, chuckling and lifting his plastic cup to emphasize his point.

They laugh again, the sound of their voices mixing together in the wind.

Somehow in between finishing the small bottle and Jaemin convincing Jeno to share his jacket together with him, they organized the blankets again and laid down on the ground to stargaze together.

As the birthday boy, Jaemin got to stay in the middle, comfortably snuggled between Jeno and Renjun's body, looking up at the night sky as the stars shone brightly. Renjun could feel his heartbeat echoing inside his eardrums in the silence of the night, could count the breaths coming from Jaemin by his side, could hear the rustling of Jeno trying to get into a better position.

At that moment, It felt like they were the only people in the entire world.

With one of Jaemin's hand in his, he could feel every nudge and ridge of his fingers, feel every bump, follow the path of his veins going down his pulse to his forearms, hidden underneath the sleeve of his pajamas. Jaemin lets him play with his hand, just looking up at the sky, eyes reflecting the same stars he so much liked to look at.

"Do you guys ever wonder what you're going to do after this?" Jaemin asks, his gaze fixed on the night sky. "Like, when school finally ends?"

"Turn into a responsible adult?" Renjun answers, a breathless laugh making its way out of him. He squeezes Jaemin’s hand between his, rubs his thumb over his knuckles.

Jaemin snorts loudly, muttering a " _Yeah, I guess_ ", but Jeno stays silent until he says, "I don't know. My parents... are still fixed on _that_ idea. They don't want me to go into the same uni as you guys; they say it's not as prestigious as the one they went to."

"That's fucking bullshit."

"I know," Jeno continues, voice sounding tired. That was more than a recurring topic by now. "I know, but they just—" he stops himself, a frustrated noise leaving him before he continues, "I'm just tired of fighting with them but they won't even listen to me. I don't want to go there but they don't care about what I want. It's what _they_ want."

Renjun licks his lips. He wants to sit straight up and give Jeno all of his attention — but he also feels like if he did that, then the moment between them would break. Maybe it was more of a confession; a rant to the stars than it was for them. It was easier to talk without eyes upon you.

"Jeno..." Jaemin starts to say, but then stops himself, turning his head to the side. Renjun waits.

"I can't promise anything—" Jeno says, his voice breaking a little, and Renjun feels his heart drop down inside his chest, as if a cold hand had torn a hole inside of him and was holding his guts in a tight grip. "—I know I can't. But I want to try and I will... I will try. I will try, okay?"

Jeno's voice carries such a hopeful longing to it that Renjun can feel his eyes welling up with tears. He blinks quickly, trying to make them go away, and by the time he composes himself, Jaemin had already thrown himself over Jeno and was hugging him tightly.

"Of course, Jeno. Of course," Jaemin keeps saying, patting down the other boy's hair, holding Jeno to his own chest. "We want you, Jen. In whatever way that can be."

Renjun sits up, but before he can even think of doing something, of joining them, Jaemin is already pushing Jeno away just enough for him to see his face, still holding him around the shoulders, securing him in his arms.

"Jeno," Jaemin says. "Jeno. You know we are with you, right? You know that, don’t you?"

Jeno doesn't hesitate to nod and that brings an immense sense of relief to Renjun.

"Sorry," Jeno says, a weak chuckle escaping him. "I didn't want to bring down the mood or ruin your party, Jaem. It just escaped."

“It’s not a party,” Renjun mutters, though he is ignored.

Jaemin shakes his head very vehemently. "You did nothing of that, Jen, don't worry."

They seem to have calmed down, but Renjun still crawls over Jaemin's legs to get to the other side, to get closer to Jeno. He ignores the painful wheeze Jaemin lets out when he steps over his legs and relishes in the little giggle that comes out of Jeno.

"Jeno," Renjun says. "We know your parents fucking sucks. And it matters to us what you want to do later—what uni you want to go to, what you wanna do. Don't forget that. It's about you. Not them. It's never about them. And your opinion _is_ important, even if they don’t act like it is."

Jeno sucks in a deep breath. "I know... I know..."

One thing is to know something, to be aware of the situation, and another is to gather the necessary strength to do what you want to.

"Do you want to keep stargazing?" Jaemin asks after a second, his voice soft.

Jeno snorts. "And miss this chance of being together with you guys?"

Renjun feels a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "We study together, did you know about that?" He asks, teasingly, trying to lift up the mood. “We spend a lot of time together already, don’t you think?” Jaemin tries to move his legs and kick Renjun out of them, but Renjun manages to keep his place, ignoring Jaemin’s dramatic painful moan.

Jeno turns his gaze towards him, eyebrows slightly furrowed even though the corner of his lips were curled up. "You know what I mean."

Renjun knows. He knows it very well.

One thing is to study by their side, sharing quick laughs between one class and another, trying to copy their answers or to meet them at the cafeteria.

And another thing is to compare their schedules to find a moment where they can spend it together. To find a break between their packed days to sneak away and share a few kisses, to share something more than just lingering looks and a barely touch on the back of their hands when they cross ways in a crowded hallway.

Moments like these, where they are able to sneak away and spend a few hours together were few and far in between — it required the work of too many people and too many little stories enlaced together to create something coherent enough. All their roommates needed to be in and working together, being ready to lie in the face of a teacher in case there was ever a need.

They lie down again. Jaemin continues in the middle, very well comfortable in his pajamas and half of Jeno’s jacket, cold fingers nudging Renjun’s hand in the direction of his hair. Renjun just indulges him.

"How does it feel to be finally of age, Jaeminnie?" Jeno asks after a while, his voice sounding a little raspy, but with no more hint of the edge it always laces his tone when it comes to his parents.

Jaemin snorts, his eyes fixed on the starry sky. "It's not like my birthday was weeks ago and we're just celebrating it now."

"Just go along with it," Renjun says, raking his nails across Jaemin’s scalp, and smirking when the boy shudders against his touch. "Oh—should we sing you a happy birthday song?"

Jaemin starts to shake his head, but Jeno is already sitting up, his hands curling around Jaemin's wrist to pull him up. "Yes!" Jeno exclaims. "Definitely! We didn't have the chance to celebrate before, so let's just pretend today really is your birthday, Jaemin-ah."

The reminder of them not being allowed to openly share their relationship and whatever affection they wanted to portray, of needing to keep a front until, at least, they finished the rest of their school year and went out into the world, doing whatever shit they wanted, makes Renjun feel the taste of something bitter on the back of his throat.

Jaemin pretends to pull up a fight and complain about not wanting all that fuss, but it only lasts a few seconds before he's grinning wide, teeth all out while his eyes shine bright.

They sing; their voices sounding too loud in the dark of the night, with only the wind as their witness and, yet, too low, too small, when compared with the scenery around them.

Jaemin beams all the way, until the very end. He claps together with them, laughing out loud when their rhythm gets fucked and they stumble throughout the song, but he throws an arm around each one of them and pulls them forward until they're together in a semblance of a three-way hug, exchanging big smiles. He’s the one who sings the loudest of all of them.

"Best party ever," Jaemin says, gesturing to around him. There's nothing but some blankets (so they wouldn't freeze to death) and a chocopie Jeno had smuggled inside his pocket with the help of Renjun and they had gifted it to Jaemin, as if it was an expensive cake. Jaemin’s voice expressed nothing but pure honesty and genuine affection. "Thank you."

"It's not really a party," Renjun starts to say again, though he's quickly interrupted by Jeno who says,

"You're welcome! We worked very hard to make all of this. You can even see the moon today!"

Renjun snorts and Jaemin continues grinning wide. He pecks Jeno quickly on the lips, leaving a blushing boy on his side before he jumps on Renjun and kisses him. Renjun is ready and waiting for him, so he isn’t caught by surprise, but he still startles a bit when Jaemin playfully bites his lower lip, his eyes crinkling with mischief and the hint of a smirk playing on his lips when they separate.

Under the starlit sky, Renjun feels at peace. Completed. He wishes he could stay there for the rest of his life if it meant standing together with the other two boys, sharing in their warmth, into their comfort and presence.

* * *

There isn't a right way to pray.

Renjun reminds that the Priest had said that once. Though the context of his speech had been very different from what was going through his mind, Renjun couldn't help but think that yes, he had been right.

There isn't a right way to pray because sometimes Renjun thinks that kissing Jeno, drowning in his essence and in the way he licks into his mouth, his tongue hot and heavy, swallowing all of him, it's like finding a hidden prayer, carefully reading every line before talking it out loud for the first time, his heart full of reverence and hope.

Sometimes praying is feeling the burn on his knees just like he used to feel after the Holy Communion before he decided on not joining it anymore. His knees burn, his back ache, but nothing feels more right than that. Nothing feels more right than having Jaemin's fingers between the strands of his hair, holding his head in place while Renjun feels the familiar sting on his knees, the strain of his jaw as he swallows around Jaemin and devours him as much as he can.

It feels like an act of devotion.

Jeno kisses every inch of Jaemin's skin, worshipping him with his lips, creating bruises with the form of his mouth or his fingers that are going to be hidden underneath his clothes, and Renjun makes sure to swallow every cry that leaves Jaemin's mouth while Jeno whispers against Jaemin's pulse.

Whispering. Mumbling. Praying. It's all the same there.

In between four walls or hidden in one of their rooms, backed by thick walls or linen sheets, Renjun thinks he's an atheist who's had a taste of what heaven feels like. It should be impossible — he knows it doesn't make sense whatsoever. But he imagines that that's what must feel like to touch the golden gates or whatever heaven is supposed to be.

To feel the taste of Jeno upon Jaemin's tongue, to feel the lingering touches that graces his skin and the searing gazes that are sent in his direction. There's nothing more powerful, nothing purer than that.

Even when they're dizzy with desire, arousal burning through their veins and making their minds feel all light, there's nothing that's more right than the love they share. Renjun doesn't give a shit of what the Priest or his teachers would say about that — they hadn't been touched by Jeno and Jaemin, they hadn't had a taste of them, so they wouldn't understand. Nobody would understand.

There is nothing purer and nothing more innocent than loving and being loved back. Renjun is sure of that because it fills his lungs, it fills his entire being, and it makes him believe that they could all have a happy ending together.

* * *

"Hey, what are you doing there?" Jaemin asks, resting his chin on Renjun's left shoulder, trying to see what he was scribbling on the notebook he hurriedly closes.

"N-nothing," Renjun replies quickly, stuttering a bit.

"It doesn't look like it was nothing," Jaemin says, a teasing lilt on his voice, pressing their cheeks together as he enlaces his arm around Renjun's waist, bringing their bodies even closer. The chair he's in scraps against the wooden floor with an awful screeching noise and Renjun winces. "Let me see. Is that another one of your poems? Is that it? Are you shy because I caught you in action, Injunnie?"

Renjun rolls his eyes, hands holding the notebook tightly. The leather is old and used, all worn and stained. He cherished it deeply — it was the first gift Jeno had given to him, all those years ago when they first stepped into the boarding school and were only young boys, lost and afraid of everything around them.

"Shut up. That was just once." He says, making sure to keep his voice low and not attract the attention of the librarian.

Tucked into a corner where the sun barely hit him, the spot was very unattractive to other students; and that's exactly why Renjun liked it so much. There he could stay close to Jeno and Jaemin, could exchange hushed conversations, not having to overthink every interaction they had. And, if he was feeling brave enough, could even try to steal a kiss or two.

"Once that I caught you red-handed," Jaemin replies, digging his chin even harder on Renjun's shoulder. His hands wander upon the table, toying with the pens around the surface before he finds more interest in Renjun's hands. "I know you probably write a lot more of them. After all, you're a big romantic and all sappy."

Renjun scoffs. "I'm _not_."

Jaemin hums, chuckling lowly. The sound travels through Renjun's body, all the way down his spine, and settles deep inside his bones. He holds one of Renjun's hand and enlaces their fingers together. With his other hand, he taps at the cover of his leather-bound notebook.

"You are," Jaemin says. "You still use this. Even though it's old and breaking apart—by the way, is there even a blank page left there—you still carry it around with you."

Renjun sighs. "It's my notebook. Of course I'm gonna carry it around."

Jaemin's face is so close to his that the tip of his nose is brushing against Renjun's cheek, warm breath grazing his neck and making goosebumps spread across his skin. Renjun licks over his dry lips, chest heavy, waiting in anticipation — he knows it's obvious from the way he's still, waiting to see what Jaemin will do next.

And Jaemin doesn't disappoint. He barely hesitates before placing a kiss on Renjun's neck, whispering against his skin, "Is Jeno's confession still there?"

"Yeah," Renjun breathes out.

Tucked in between the pages were random pieces of paper with numbers and what seemed random letters, pressed flowers, notes from yellowed pages, and sketches on every available surface. On the first page, it said nothing more than _'Property of Huang Renjun'_ on the top before it was followed by a watercolor painting of a lilac sunset; but in the last page, right at the end, written with a graphite pencil that could be easily erased, it was Jeno's confession to him, a shy proposition of a place and an hour.

"His handwriting was so bad back then," Jaemin comments, using Renjun's distraction to open the notebook and flip through the pages. Renjun makes a disgruntled noise, but Jaemin only squeezes their joined hands and continues. "Oh, you still have this?" He pauses at a page filled with scribbles and short pieces of writing and another with a collage made from old newspapers, a dark violet pressed between them. "You tried to put them in my hair, I remember that."

Renjun makes an agreeing noise. "Your hair was longer back then. Maybe you should let your hair grow again."

Jaemin hums. "Maybe I will..." He continues flipping through the pages until he gets to the end and carefully brushes the tip of his index finger over Jeno's writing. "Thank God he decided to improve his handwriting."

Renjun snorts, but he doesn't deny that; he closes the notebook when Jaemin finishes playing with it, the quick flash of something pink appearing before it's gone, and he pushes it a bit to the side.

It almost feels like a dream. It's only them in that moment and no one else. For a second, Renjun doesn't need to be afraid. Doesn't need to overthink everything. For a moment everything is perfect and he only cares about Jaemin being close to him.

But the shrill noise of the bell ringing brings him to the present situation and Renjun sighs deeply. Reality crashes down around him and Jaemin releases a grunt.

"Fuck this," Jaemin mutters lowly, "I can't wait for this year to end already. I'm so tired of this shit." He lifts their joined hands and brushes a quick kiss on Renjun's knuckles before pulling them apart. "See you later," he says before sauntering away, leaving just as he had arrived.

Renjun can only stare at his retreating form for a second before he starts to pack his things. He takes his own sweet time, not worried at all; he could care less about his packed schedule or the fact his teachers would be disappointed in him.

His mind burns only with one thing — in between the pages of his leather-bound notebook there's a new piece of paper, pink and ripped at the edges, but the glittery silver ink tells him the new meeting time and place, and Renjun can't wait for it.

* * *

"Jeno wasn't at lunch today," Donghyuck whispers to him when the teacher starts talking again, his low voice getting drowned by the imponent tone used by the man in front of the class.

"What?" Renjun asks. Donghyuck repeats what he said, making sure to look straight ahead at the teacher, his lips barely moving. "Do you know what happened?"

Donghyuck barely shakes his head. "No."

Renjun presses his lips against each other, thinking hard. Jeno is practically the perfect student — repeats his prayers without hesitating, has good grades, doesn’t talk back to the teachers or gets into trouble. For him to miss lunch, to not follow the rules during the light of the day, something big must have happened.

"Hey,” Renjun hisses, catching Donghyuck’s attention when the teacher looks distracted enough. He makes sure to keep his voice low. “If you see Jaemin after class, can you please say that to him?"

“Why don’t you text him?” Donghyuck asks, lifting one eyebrow.

“They confiscated my phone again,” Renjun replies, hiding his moving mouth behind a fake yawn, even stretching one arm out to play the part. "I'm gonna after Jeno as soon as this ends. I want to make sure that he's okay."

Donghyuck only nods, not replying back, head ducking low when the teacher’s gaze falls upon them.

When the bell rings and signals the end of the class, Renjun runs in the direction of Jeno's dorm. When he knocks, nobody answers, but Renjun isn't very surprised — after all, Jeno's roommates should still be roaming the hallways, going from one class to another. Jeno is the one skipping classes.

“ _Jeno_ ,” he tries to hiss his name, not wanting to talk out loud, but he gets no answer.

Renjun knocks again and, this time, after some insistence, he hears the sound of something crashing inside the room before the door opens just a slit and Renjun catches a look at Jeno's red-rimmed eyes.

Nothing needs to be said between them. Renjun enters the room and Jeno closes the door behind him.

"Do you want a hug?"

Jeno doesn't nod but he also doesn’t deny it. When Renjun first initiates the contact, opening his arms, Jeno just sinks into his embrace, hiding his face on the crook of his neck, and Renjun awkwardly shuffles them both in the direction of Jeno's bed.

"Let's lay down for a bit," Renjun says, guiding their movements, and Jeno just follows his every move.

They get into the bed and Jeno stays quiet. Renjun feels the anxiety brimming under his skin and he wants nothing more than ask Jeno what happened, to understand the reason for his distress, but he waits for Jeno to talk with him when he's ready. Instead, he only keeps holding Jeno tight, pressing his chest against the broad back of the other boy and enlacing his arms around his waist, his chin digging on Jeno's shoulder as Renjun presses their faces close.

Jeno isn't crying or sobbing, but his body still shivers with the after tremors of it. Renjun knew by his teary eyes and red nose he had been crying before — and Jeno mostly did that when he was so angry he'd resort to tears so he wouldn't blow up, his emotions leaking out of him as tears streamed down his face.

"Jeno," Renjun says, gently, after a while. The boy in his arms only hums as a reply, and Renjun can hear how weak his voice sounds. He wishes he had had the idea of bringing him some drink or comfort food. "Does this makes you feel a little better?" He asks, tightening his hold on him to emphasize what he meant. "Do you want to talk?"

"Not now," Jeno answers, voice raspy. "But better."

"Okay."

Renjun keeps holding him because that's the only thing he can do that will bring some kind of comfort to the boy in his arms, and all that Renjun wants is to make him feel better. Jeno stays with his back to him, but Renjun can feel when he starts to relax a little, the way his breaths mellow out, and their presence is the only big thing in the room.

"Jaemin will come here?" Jeno asks after some time.

"I'm pretty sure he will," Renjun replies. "I asked Hyuck to talk with him and you know how he is—he's probably running towards us right at this moment."

Jeno lets out a shallow laugh, something that made both of their bodies shake together, and Renjun allows himself a small smile. He snuggles his face closer to Jeno, their bodies almost molding together.

"You're going to be okay," Renjun says. Underneath his fingertips, Jeno is soft and Renjun caresses the little bit of skin of his stomach that was showing because of the rising of his shirt. "No matter what happened, you're going to be okay. And we're here for you, okay, Jeno?"

Jeno nods. He doesn't answer verbally, but his confirmation is enough for Renjun.

Renjun had an idea it must have been something to do with Jeno's parents. Usually, they were the ones that could make him reach that breaking point — especially now, with the end of the term approaching, and the weight of too many important decisions upon their shoulders. The weight of not trying to disappoint your family while wanting to follow your own dreams and forge your own path.

Between a lightly brushed kiss on the side of Jeno's neck and the continuation of their cuddling session, a knocking on the door resounded in the room. Renjun is the one who gets up and goes to open the door, and he barely has the time to step out of the way before Jaemin is kicking his shoes off, throwing them into random directions, before he's jumping up on the bed and clinging to Jeno's body.

"My baby," he says, voice all high and cute, squishing his face close to Jeno's. "What happened? Tell me everything you want to, my sweetest cutest baby ever."

Renjun whole-heartedly agrees with that sentiment. Still, he closes the door (makes sure to lock it because he isn't stupid) and carefully goes in the direction of the bed. Jeno is prey to Jaemin's antics, but Renjun doesn't think he minds them too much when he's getting peppered by kisses and there's a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he tries to — weakly — battle Jaemin's hands away from his face, a laugh rumbling its way out of his throat.

Jaemin smiles brightly, brushing a few strands away from Jeno's forehead, and looks down fondly at him, his eyes soft and full of adoration. Renjun doesn't know how Jeno doesn't melt right way — he's sure if that gaze had been directed at him he wouldn't be able to survive it.

"Nothing big..." Jeno starts to say, but Renjun is quick to interrupt him.

"You were crying," he says. "It was big enough to make you feel like crying. It matters."

Jeno stops. He keeps looking up at Jaemin, though he glances to the side towards Renjun for a moment before he breaks all eye contact when he rubs at his face with his hands. Jaemin moves away from him, giving Jeno some space, and settles on his side.

Laying down in the middle, Jeno looks up from between his fingers, staring at the ceiling. It takes a while, but when he gathers his strength, he finally lowers his hands away from his face, though his eyes don’t wander away from the ceiling.

Renjun tries to keep himself up by resting his weight on his elbow, copying Jaemin's posture from the other side of Jeno.

"It was nothing big, really," Jeno repeats, voice with a little more of strength. "It's just when you... when you finally snap and then just... it all just comes out? Kind of like that." He stops for a moment, licking over his lips before continuing. "My parents have been sending me more messages and okay... I can deal with that. But... today in class they talked about... about the sin thing again. It shouldn't be something that should bother me anymore but... It just made me _so_ uncomfortable and I couldn't just leave. I couldn't. Some of the students tried to intervene but they were sent out of class and... I couldn't say anything."

"Jeno, you don't need to stick up for—"

"I wanted to say something," Jeno says, voice weak. He keeps staring at the ceiling and Renjun can see the way he swallows hard, Adam's apple bobbing up. "I felt that I really wanted to say something. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. To bring attention to me."

"And that's okay, Jen," Jaemin says, softly. "You have no obligations of saying—"

"But I _wanted to_ , Jaem," Jeno repeats, his voice breaking. "I _wanted_ to say something. But I _couldn't_."

Renjun sighs. He lowers himself, pressing his face on the crook of Jeno's neck, throwing his arm over Jeno's stomach, and hugging him on one side. "You tried, Jeno. And you wanted to do something. Just that is something already. One step at a time, remember that?"

"Yeah," Jaemin agrees quickly. He doesn't copy Renjun's position, but he drops down to brush a delicate kiss over Jeno's temple. "One step at a time. We promised that, right? Don’t forget it. Any progress is still progress, baby."

Jeno bites his bottom lip, eyebrow furrowing.

"Jeno?"

He takes a long, deep breath, but Jeno nods his head at least. "Yes. One step at a time."

Jaemin drops down a kiss on the corner of Jeno's lips, barely missing his mouth, and caresses the top of Jeno's cheekbones with the tip of his fingers. "You don't need to take a long jump if you don't feel ready for that, Jen. Don't put any more burdens on your shoulders. God knows how you already have enough of them."

Renjun noses the side of Jeno's neck, tightening his grip around the boy's waist. "Yeah, you more than anyone knows that. There are always going to exist some homophobic old pricks, especially in a catholic school. Don't give them your attention, don't give them any part of you. They don't deserve to stay on your mind. None of them do."

Jeno bites his lower lip again, this time with more force than before, turning the pink around his teeth white, his eyes stinging with tears once more.

Jaemin makes a cooing noise, resting his hands on the side of Jeno's face. "No, no, no. No more tears. No sad tears. Only happy tears. Are those happy tears?"

Renjun can't hold back a small snort and Jeno laughs a little, the sound coming out wetly. Though his eyes get filled with tears, none of them run down on his face. Renjun moves around a little, pushing a pillow out of the way and trying to get a good look at Jeno's face.

"So... who was the shithead who said that?" Renjun asks.

Jaemin makes an agreeing noise.

"I'm not telling you," Jeno says. "You're going to try and key his car. Or do something that will make you end up in detention again."

"I don't care about that," Renjun replies easily. "I will only be punished if I get caught. And I'm never caught."

"You were caught last month," Jaemin supplies from the side. “You’re still without your phone.”

Renjun ignores him. "I'm not going to do anything drastic, just... something I'll still think of. Tell me who it is. Or I'll find out who it is—you know that it's easy, I'll just need to ask around or see your schedule."

"Renjun-ah," Jaemin says, breaking Renjun out of his stupor. "Maybe Jeno doesn't feel comfortable with that. Maybe he just wants to let it all go"

Though Renjun would like nothing more than keep pressing on the matter, he stops himself. "Okay. Okay, sorry. If you don't want to say I’ll stop pressing on this."

"It's not like I'm protecting him," Jeno says. "I just don't want you to suffer the consequences of something just because of _him_. You don't need that. It's not worth it."

"It's always worth it to punch some homophobes in the face or ruin their days, but I... get what you mean... Though I'd really like to fucking mess with him, I'll stay quiet."

"If you get punished or get another suspension that means it's less time together with us," Jaemin says. "So that should be an incentive for you to not do something bad, right, Injunnie?"

Renjun rolls his eyes, snuggling close to Jeno's side again, closing his eyes. He decides to ignore the fact they have classes later that day and shouldn't be inside the dorm. Jeno is more important. "I guess..." he mutters, trying to play it cool, though it _is_ a great incentive of making him stay in the line.

They already have little time together. Renjun can't waste any chance they might have.

Jeno turns his head to the side, facing Renjun. It's the first time he's looking directly at any of them in a while, and Renjun feels his heart squeezing painfully inside his chest when he can see the deep eye bags on his face and how his eyes are red.

Jeno, though, opens a small smile, something so gentle, so soft, that Renjun feels all the pain and anger that had been brought up inside of him turn into dust that flies away at the mere sight of Jeno's smile.

"One step at a time," Jeno echoes back, the corners of his lips curling up. "Let's not waste time because you tried to punch a professor. Again."

"That's not exactly how _'one step at a time_ ' is supposed to be used," Renjun answers and Jeno only keeps smiling. Renjun knows that Jeno _knows_. He's just using the weapons he has to make Renjun weak: himself. "But I... get it. Gonna stay in line, I guess."

Their “one step at a time” thing was usually reserved for small steps into not branding them as sinners or related to that. Not really about punching teachers. But Renjun understands the point Jeno is trying to make — drop the topic and change to something else.

"Injunnie is going to be a good catholic boy who won't cause trouble. Is that right? Did I really hear this?" Jaemin exclaims, his voice laced with a teasing tone.

Renjun huffs, rolling his eyes.

Jeno keeps looking at him. "A good catholic boy," Jeno repeats, the words sounding weird coming out of him. His eyes are kind, his smile is still on his face, but the tone he uses is off and Renjun knows exactly the reason why.

_A good catholic boy._

"As if," Renjun says, sniffing loudly to demonstrate his offense at the term, exaggerating his reaction to not bring the mood down. "The only good catholic boy here is Jeno. And maybe you, Jaem. When you decide to behave, that is."

Jaemin hums and laughs a little, shaking his head. "Me? I don't think I am one anymore. I guess that means only Jeno, then."

* * *

Staying in only one place every time there's an opportunity is not the best idea. And in a big, old building, it isn’t a hard take to find unused places hidden away just around the corner, finding somewhere where people don't walk by anymore.

There are old classrooms filled with dust, there are hallways that lead to dead ends and small staircases tucked just around the corner, the thick cobwebs giving away how much they are used. There are the most known locations, the ones to where the students will sneak to fool around, the ones the teachers are mostly aware of.

Hidden by the dark of the night, they sneak away through the cold, long hallways. Steps echoing around the rock walls, the old rooms, through the wooden staircases. Sometimes it's followed by a shushing noise, by a barely concealed laugh. Sometimes it's so silent one wouldn't know someone is walking by there if not looking at the figure running and disappearing around the corner.

Renjun feels the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he walks around the school at night. Even though he's careful, even though he makes sure to check the corner, to check the places before he walks in, before he's breaking the rules by wandering at night, he still feels nervous with the possibility of being caught.

Because it's not about him. It's never only about him.

Being caught and getting suspended doesn't mean shit for him, but getting caught and getting Jeno and Jaemin into trouble makes him feel sick just by thinking about it. He is careful because of them. He makes sure to look around because of them. Because they don't have the same freedom he has, because they have other people who are watching their moves, expecting something out of them, while Renjun doesn't.

There's a small, cramped room underneath one of the wooden staircases that leads to the bigger classrooms. There are no rock walls behind his back this day, but Renjun can feel the imprint of the door on the small of his back when he's being pressed against it and being thoroughly kissed.

He can feel his blood running hotly through his veins, his body reacting so well, so used to the boys' touches on his skin. It makes him feel all giddy, all happy and excited, and yet, just as nervous as their first times sneaking away.

The feeling of excitement never really goes away. It keeps them on their toes, the possibility of things not quite working, to be prepared. And, the feeling of rebelling against something spurs Renjun on even more. They can't be loud, they can't show off yet whatever they have, whatever they want to do, but when Renjun presses Jeno against the wall, when he has his tongue deep inside his mouth and feeling another pair of hands sneaking around his middle, tugging his shirt away, Renjun feels invincible, like he could take on the entire world and it wouldn't be hard at all.

Jaemin mutters a " _Goddamn_ " under his breath before it's stolen away by a pair of lips, and Renjun feels the weight of sacrilege around his shoulders. He surrenders easily to it, uses it to his will. It's not a sin for him to carry, it's not something that stops him. He says whatever he wants, he does whatever he wants. It's not the same for the others, but Renjun doesn't feel like it’s something that can stop him.

It's a dangerous game they're playing, but the clock is ticking and Renjun focuses on the fact they'll get to leave that place in a not so far-away future. Soon it won't be as hard, soon it won't be as hidden, soon it won't be a secret.

For now, they're getting by with stolen kisses in the middle of the night, exchanging looks across the room, a note slipped inside one's book with a place and an hour. But it won't be always like that. And Renjun can't wait for the moment he'll be able to kiss them under the sun and they will all be unafraid together.

**Author's Note:**

> [ [twt](https://twitter.com/pinkhrj) | [ccat](https://curiouscat.me/rensungie) ]


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